Christmas is family time. Social media fills up with the children's advent calendar, Lucia trains and Christmas endings. In addition, there is an intense focus on children in the marketing of Christmas gifts and Christmas cheer.
The time before Christmas and Christmas celebrations can therefore be a difficult period for all those who have not yet had children. Families with children are given priority during the Christmas season and everyone gathers around the children. It is expected that those without children will have to follow others in the family when it comes to where Christmas will be celebrated. And at work, those without children are quickly chosen to have work holidays. It's kind of so read and enacted.
As a family therapist at Klinikk Hausken, I meet singles and couples who want to have children. And every year I talk to a lot of people who dread the Christmas season. It is a time when grief and longing for the child are often amplified. Some of the conversations that touch me most are with those who don't quite know how to manage to face Christmas as involuntarily childless. And now last, the conversation with she who was dissolved in tears over the child who has not arrived.
She asks me, “How am I going to manage this Christmas?”
She has dissolved into tears and is mentally exhausted over the insecurities she has to carry on, over the countless Christmas cards with happy family photos dumping down the post office box, over the feeling of yet another Christmas Eve without the long-awaited child.
Being involuntarily childless during fertility treatment creates a lot of uncertainty. We humans depend on predictability, stability and belonging to be able to flourish and give to others of ourselves. In the run-up to Christmas, some additional advice may be needed to cope with the processing time as best as possible.
First of all, you need to be with people you feel confident in and with yourself. It is best to be there where one feels safe - especially during the Christmas season. If you are in a sensitive period, it is important to feel safe. That's when you charge and invest in yourself.
Do you feel like you are in a process of extra strain? Then it is allowed to allow oneself to say no to a Christmas event if it becomes a trigger that spoils the day - or even the whole of Christmas. You are a fertility patient for a limited period of time so it is allowed to make exceptions.
Christmas is the time when the extended family, and generations meet. That means it opens up to wonder and questions from family members that you don't see very often. Some may ask when the baby is coming. It is important to prepare for this. Think through in advance what you want to answer the question, and stick to the plan.
Christmas is supposed to be a time for fun and leisure. Being in fertility treatment is demanding, and then it is important to invest in yourself so that you have the energy and stamina for the treatment that awaits after Christmas.
Do something at Christmas that energizes you. Give yourself in the Christmas gift of putting yourself first. Self-care is the key to energy. Only you know what is best for you. Indulge in something that you don't usually do. Imagine that this Christmas you will be able to show gratitude to yourself, for everything you manage to stand in, until the wish child.
Talk to others in the same situation. It is good to be able to share experiences and experiences with others. In this way, one will have normalized thoughts and feelings and not least know belonging to a group and someone who truly understands.
Talk to yourself in a good way this Christmas. Tell yourself that next Christmas your whole life may look different. You may have a big bump on your stomach, or you may even have given birth to your wish child. Hope and faith are also part of Christmas.
After advice and words like this, she calmed down. She thought it was good to shift her focus from everything she missed and didn't have, to investing in herself and tackling new IVF attempts in the time ahead. And, of course, too little energy for his future child.
Merry Christmas to you strong woman and strong man who are undergoing treatment. Take care of yourselves, future parents.
– Tone er familieterapeut med fertilitet som spesialfelt.
Par og single som går gjennom fertilitetsbehandling hos Klinikk Hausken får tilbud om veiledning og emosjonell støtte av Tone som en del av behandlingen.
Tone gir også profesjonell veiledning før man eventuelt begynner med behandling hos Klinikk Hausken. Det kan blant annet være aktuelt for de som prøver å bli gravid hjemme eller for de som er i en prosess med donasjon.
Les mer her hvordan en famileterapeut kan hjelpe deg. Du kan også kontakte Tone dersom du har spørsmål.
