Assisted fertilization (IVF) and motivation.

My husband and I don't have the same motivation heading towards the dream of having children. What do I do?

Do you realize that it is you who has to do EVERYTHING on the way to pregnancy and that your husband is not as motivated?

• Do you feel like a project manager?
• Are you the one who goes to the basement the most if the attempt is unsuccessful?
• Are you the one who has to man up again to pull off another round of IVF attempts?
• Are you the one with the primary responsibility in terms of continuing treatment or not?

You are probably wondering why your husband is not as motivated as you are? I'll explain to you why.

Below I come up with almost normal inequalities between man and woman throughout this project. For some couples it is the opposite, while others find it difficult to recognize themselves - there is no facet. But the majority of the couples I've had in therapy and counselling will recognise themselves in this.

We women and men are different, and fortunately for that!

We women are good at envisioning the future, we carry hopes, dreams, thoughts and visions of how everyday life will change on the day of pregnancy.

We envision the children's room, the stroller and maybe who we want to get pregnant at the same time with. We imagine the mommy perm from work, and how to enjoy ourselves with the long-awaited baby. These are all ideas and expectations of what the future will look like there. Preferably in a short time.

We women depend on this forward thinking along with a latent maternal instinct, in order to be able to stay in the fertility treatment and reach the goal.

We women are more guided by emotions and the strong procreation instinct than what a man is.

So what about the man?

While we women spend our thinking business on what we want to happen in the future, and also often on what happened in the past, men are better at living and relating to what is happening in the here and now. They live more the day today and often want to not deal with more than one attempt at a time.

Often the woman can have both plan ABC and D, to secure herself to the child, while the man has enough to deal with A.

Men are better at dealing with what they have here and now. What he has concrete in front of him here and now is you!

This means that the man finds more motivation in making you happy, than in motivating himself to a child who is not yet in sight.

This does NOT mean, that he does not get upset by unsuccessful attempts, or that he has no desire for children. It just means he wants to deal with one thing at a time. Do you have a man who really wants to create a family with you, that's a happiness in itself, but he doesn't have to prove it by being just as motivated, forward-thinking and colored by the process as you are.

Men are also more rational-driven than emotion-driven.

It is also not lucky that there are two in the couple who go to the basement every time their period comes.

The biggest pitfall one can make as a man and woman is wanting to make their partner more similar to themselves. The woman wants the man to be just as motivated and let the child project take as much focus as her. The man wants the woman to be more like herself by living more in the here and now and taking the process step by step.

We need to be good at seeing the usefulness of being different rather than trying to make the other equal to ourselves.

As a couple, you can truly complement each other if you accept the differences and see it as a strength rather than a weakness. No one responds or deals with IVF treatment and the path to becoming a parent “wrong.” The thing is, no emotional reactions are “wrong”.

Be kind to yourself and your partner. You are future parents, and you are both needed with your own way of dealing with this -- up to the wish child.